loneliness

Cole being gone is perhaps the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. The second time saying good bye to him was sooo much easier than the first. Worst part is that he left on Monday and up until Friday night I hadn't cried at all since he had left, then it comes out and decides I had waited maybe too long to cry. So the week went fine, then the weekend came along, and it wasn't so good any more :( it's hardest knowing that my best friend isn't physically here for me when I need him most. But I guess that goes along with if he was here I wouldn't be having such a hard time, right? Some times I really wonder what it is I got myself into when I said I was okay with him going into the military. I miss him more than I ever thought it was possible to miss anyone. That saying that your heart grows fonder with distance, or what ever the saying is...is absolutely true. I never quite realized the reality to it until recently. It's hard knowing that at work, you can be totally fine and happy and accepting of what's happened, then you get home and the alone-ness gets filled in its place.
I know that he is doing all of this for our family, but sometimes it is rather hard to think that way and just be fine with everything. Times like these that I would want nothing more than a fastforward button to move past these hard times. Every time i think of it I think of the movie "the Click" and how it just began to know him and would fast forward past things that he wished he hadn't in the first place...I'm learning a lot about myself, and LOVE living alone, but there are those times when you absolutely wish there was something else you could do to get away from coming back. It's not to say I don't appreciate what he is doing for us, just especially difficult right now...why? I REALLY wish I knew the answer to that right about now. I just miss him so much :(